Dragons

After ten years of wanting a baby my one and only mortal fear (okay, besides singing alone in public) was to miscarry. I just knew something that tragic would pull me deep into a personal hell and I'd never resurface. Well I miscarried and that didn't happen. I took a quick descent into the pit, stared into the eyes of my dragon, realized dragons aren't as scary as I thought and came back up to the land of sunshine and rainbows. Mortal fear, schmortal fear. Seriously, sometimes I am such a drama queen.

I am comforted by this quote from Corrie Ten Boom:

There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still.

It is literally impossible to be alone. I should have nothing to fear since I know I will never be alone. I am trying to train my brain to not be afraid of anything ever again. Fear is the antithesis of hope. I want hope.

Most of us have heard this famous Eleanor Roosevelt quote:

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'

The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

You can bet your bottom dollar I watched Annie too much as kid since the "Tomorrow" song is the first thing I think of when I hear Eleanor Roosevelt mentioned. (Complete with her impersonator's warbling vibrato.) But she was right. You must do the thing you think you cannot do so that you can conquer it, move on and be a little braver for the next dragon. I conquered miscarriage. There is a new dragon to stare down.

The new dragon is IVF. I keep reminding myself how free I will feel once I've beat this one. The money, the needles, the odds, the violation of personal space, the unknown: not dragons. Just tiny lizards fronting as a fire-breathing beasts. We've picked our doctor, our paperwork is submitted and our consult is scheduled. Not scared. Moving forward. Not looking down into the pit. Ignoring dragons. Focusing on rainbows. Full of hope. Feeling the love.

Quote by Eleanor Roosevelt (Oct 1884-Nov 1962), "You Learn By Living: Eleven Keys For a More Fulfilling Life", 1960.

"Hearken unto me, ye that follow after righteousness. Look unto the rock from whence you are hewn, and to the hole of the pit from whence you are digged." -Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 8:1 (quoting Isaiah)