Bon Voyage

POST ONE OF THREE RE: CLOSURE TOWARDS THE FAILED IN VITRO

The whole IVF experience has been a defining moment in my life, but I don’t think I can claim it as such if I don’t record what it defined for me, the first of which is TRUST.

We really, really, really thought we had it in the bag.

Greg was so sure we were pregnant that he didn’t even care about going to the "are we pregnant" appointment. He was only worried about the "how many are we pregnant with" appointment two weeks beyond that date. (He was sweating it because he convinced me to have all three embryos implanted and if all three took I was going to force him to quit his job and raise triplets with me for the next few years. Looking back I’m so glad we put all three in. If we had only used two I would have forever wondered if the unused embryo was the winner. No regrets is always nice.)

What made the end result so difficult is that we had no answers, no clues, no inklings as to why it happened like this and what we were to do next.

Those first 48 hours of defeat were nearly unbearable until an old neighbor called from Arizona. Keep in mind that the old neighbor was Neal, Greg’s #1 fishing buddy/the grass whisperer/the meat smoker/the guy that sneaked up and scared me while I was mowing or working in the garage more times than I can remember. Prankster Royale. Neal is a funny guy, so when he called I thought he was probably going to tell a really stupid joke in an effort to ease an uncomfortable situation. I wasn’t aware that he was about to unlock the answer to the very question my broken heart was clinging to. He quoted a scripture from The Book of Mormon and then poignantly interpreted it for my muddled state of mind.

The context of the scripture is this:

Once upon a time there was an ancient civilization from the time of the Tower of Babel called the Jaredites. The Lord commanded the prophet of the Jaredites to build eight barges that would carry his people across the ocean to a choice land of promise. The Lord gave specific instructions about how to build the boats. The way they are described makes me imagine that they looked like two walnut shell halves glued together with a sunroof on the top for breathing. They were built in accordance to the Lord's direction but the prophet became worried at the lack of light in the boats. He asked the Lord How can we steer without light? The Lord answered that they could not have windows because they would be dashed in pieces, nor could they have fire. The Lord asked the prophet to come up with his own solution for lighting the boats, but not before promising that He would bring them out of the depths of the sea and prepare them for these things. After much contemplation, the prophet made sixteen molten stones, like glass, and asked the Lord to touch them with his finger and cause them to make light. The Lord complied and two lighted stones were placed in each boat. The Lord kept his promise and steered the vessels through the winds, waves, and floods. The Jaredites arrived in the promised land after being knocked two and fro in near darkness for 344 days.

The part that Neal emphasized to me was the lack of windows. They couldn’t have windows because they would be dashed to pieces. Meaning SOMETIMES, FOR OUR OWN PROTECTION, WE CAN’T SEE CLEARLY.

Greg and I don’t know what to do next. We don’t know if we should find a new doctor, use our old doctor again, or hold out for a doctor-free miracle. We are waiting for my body to normalize. (Greg is probably also waiting for my emotions to normalize...barring one Day 24 per month.) We are praying and studying and thinking out every option. We don’t know what is going on around us. We don’t know where we are in the journey of getting our baby. There are no crystal clear easy answers right now.

Part of me wishes we could peek out of a window and see how close we are to PROMISED LAND OF BABY, but all of me knows that we just need to trust in the Lord with all our heart at this point. He does nothing save it be for our good. We are 100% certain that sense will be made of this someday. For now, all we can do is sit back, enjoy the glow in the darkness, and trust that we are en route to milk and honey if we can be patient enough to enjoy the ride.

Ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the winds and the waves.

I know that God is preparing me. This will not be the last tough thing in my life. David knew he could kill Goliath because he had already killed a lion and a bear.* This whole baby thing is only a lion or a bear and it will make me strong enough to face whatever Goliath life presents later on.

I am learning that sometimes in life we move along in a state of unknown without vision and it's not a consequence for error. It's not meant to be a punishment. It just means that we are being protected and guided to a paradise that will exceed our greatest imagination.

*1 Samuel 17:33-37