Pure Liquid Evil

Because I think a few funny stories that are absolutely true should be recorded for my future posterity:

Several years ago my FFIL (Favorite Father-in-Law) was riding the juice wave big time. He felt that juicing could fix most of the world's problems. He told me repeatedly that if I drank his concoctions my skin would be clear and that I would feel great. Despite my ownership of a Juiceman I would not give in to his recommendations. I regretted the one time I messed around with celery, so from that point on I stuck with blends that produced sunset-colored tonics...things made from apples and oranges and carrots and grapefruit.

As a last-ditch effort to help me claim the good life he offered me $200 to drink a glass of cucumber juice every morning for a month. I'm a huge cheapskate, so this was a no brainer.

DAY 1 OF 30: I plugged my nose, routed the straw past my taste buds all the way to my uvula, and gulped. Easy money was on its way.

Correction: a revolution was on its way. The revolution began after one-third of a glass. MIND OVER MATTER I told myself. No luck. Each repeated effort to force it down resulted in me hurling over the kitchen sink. So just like that, before DAY 1 ever ended, cucumber juice became my most hated liquid on the planet. If forced to choose I think I really would drink chicken fat over cucumber juice.

I currently eat solid cucumbers in Thai food and salad because that is clearly how nature intended for them to be consumed. Salons, bistros, and baby shower hostesses that come at me with cucumber water might rue the day we ever crossed paths.