Melissa Interviews Herself

MDL: Hi. It's nice to meet you. You look like Betsy Brandt.

Me: Stop it, you know that isn't true. Only the guy at T-Mobile and the stereo kid at Best Buy have ever said that and you had to google her. You look like a grumpier version of Helen Hunt.

MDL: Thank you. Are you going to answer my questions?

Me: Yes.

MDL: Then simmer down.

Me: Sorry.

MDL: Why haven't you written much lately?

Me: I want to. I have starts for 37 essays but no time to finish. Summer is busy and hot and loud. Plus I have a teenager with a social life and a 1-year old that never stops moving unless it's to dump out canisters of stuff in the pantry. Tonight at dinner I told Greg and RE I couldn't go to the party at the Scera pool because my see through is swimsuit. So you see I can't even talk straight, much less write straight. Despite green smoothies and vitamin overload I am tired all the time.

MDL: How many vitamins do you take?

Me: About 14 a day. Two for cell longevity and heart health, six collagen, two biotin cocktails for hair-skin-nails, two multis, vitamin D, and iron.

MDL: And they aren't working?

Me: I don't know. I still feel tired all the time. Plus I want eclairs more than ever.

MDL: That sounds like hormones.

Me: Don't go there.

MDL: Meow. Somebody is feisty. Are you a professional writer?

Me: No. I'm a graphic designer who graduated before the Internet was widely used. I'm a lover of visual beauty but I try to cut the universe some slack when I cross ill-kerned business signs, unreadable billboards, or logos with drop shadows. We all make mistakes.

MDL: You make a lot of mistakes in your writing.

Me: Don't I know it. I love to write but worry about the English Majors, English Teachers, Grammar Snobs, and Punctuation Police. I'm pretty sure my participles dangle and I still don't know where I stand with the Oxford comma. I say "that" too much and my sentences run marathons. And I start sentences with "and." Hey, I'm just trying to keep a record of important feelings and experiences I've had for my kids. I want my kids to know who I really was and what I believed in; first and foremost being my belief in God our Heavenly Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. The second thing I want them to know is miracles happen every day everywhere.

MDL: I can accept that. I want the same thing.

Me: So we are in agreeance?

MDL: You don't have to get all lawyer-sounding. Yes, I agree with you. So how are you doing with your three goals? To get healthy, to write, and to make Archer's stocking by Christmas?

Me: Glass half full.

MDL: Illustrate.

Me: I've consistently lifted weights for two months but have failed to do any cardio. My tricep is beginning to poke out and I'm getting a little stronger so obviously I'm elated. I'm still not going to bed earlier or getting up earlier but I am a steady journal writer and I drink plenty of water. I've written a little but haven't started the stocking. I usually start Christmas stuff in August because December sneaks up on an overachiever and gives her heart murmurs by Black Friday. I will start the stocking this month.

MDL: It's a start. You'll get there. Stay positive.

Me: You sound like Greg.

MDL: I should. I live with him.

Me: Do you know where I can find a vintage straw dispenser? I want one to hold my pens and pencils. Way better than a pencil cup.

MDL: I do not. Check Etsy or Nook & Cranny.

Me: Thanks. I will. I'll add that to one of my lists.

MDL: I hear you are the new chorister in the chapel on Sundays. How is it?

Me: Prickle-sweat meets awkward but I'm determined to magnify it. Magnify the calling, that is. Not the sweat. Geez, my sweat problems. Seriously annoying. Botox my armpits already.

MDL: Have you learned anything yet?

Me: I don't like fermatas. I like wasps more than fermatas if that is any indication of how much I don't like fermatas. I do love when everyone sings with vigor, I love seeing my friends in the congregation, and I love seeing things I'd normally miss from my usual pew like Leif crying during Bryton's farewell and Trisha Hill signing the hymns to her deaf husband and things like that. Neat things. Sweet things.

MDL: We've gone on for too long.

Me: I tend to do that. I'm a bit of a natural filibusterer. I hate endings. I lobby for more beginnings! Hence why I make lists.

MDL: I started this, I'll finish this.

Me: I also always have to have the last word. Ask my Dad. It drove him crazy when I lived at home.

MDL: We're done. Good luck with your triceps and your stocking and your armpits. It was nice to meet you.

Me: But I-

MDL: No, we're done.