Token

A month ago I thought I deserved a clear, finite, Julian-calendar-specific answer from the Lord about when exactly I would be getting my miracle baby. After all, I'd become the poster child for Failure. I'd had a sparkling attitude towards my mega-adversity. If my calculations were correct, it was time for visions to start rolling in.

Over and over I felt prompted that if I just read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover by March 1st I would have my answer. So I began the 2nd week of February and quickly realized that to read the entire book by March 1 I was going to have to buckle down. I didn't read the Book Club book. I watched very little TV. I only crafted one Wednesday night with my friends. Every other spare February minute was devoted to reading the Book of Mormon. I even read 23 chapters of Alma while soaking in a Trump Tower jetted tub the size of Rhode Island.

I finished February 28 at eight minutes to midnight. (It's the graphic designer in me. I am nothing without pressure or deadlines and consistently go down to the wire.) Goal accomplished.

It is now March 8 and I never found a clear, finite, Julian-calendared answer. But I think I found something better.

I found my strength.

My strength is not from my supportive husband. It is not from my innocent and freckled daughter. It is not from brownies or peanut butter or yoga or girls' nights out. It is not from beautifully-bound chunks of fiction, like To Kill a Mockingbird and I Capture the Castle and A Room With a View. It is not from my friends, who are worth more than diamonds to me. It is not from my pair of parents or slew of supportive siblings. It is not from retail therapy or home decorating. It is not even tied to a spur-the-moment trip to Paris that I've dreamed of my whole life. My strength is forged from my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ.

When I am close to Him the hard knocks soften. I can see broken pieces with an eternal perspective. I can discern between what really counts and what doesn't matter. I can feel peace alongside these growing pains. I am definitely more thankful. When I love my Savior I want to act in a way that would please Him, which means I am nicer to everyone I know, including myself. I am my best self when I am His.

One other amazing thing happened in February.

My friend (and fellow honeybee) attempted to duplicate these GROW STRONG earrings from the Sundance catalog for me. I mentioned the earrings on my blog the night I found out I wasn't pregnant because at that moment I thought all I could grow was strength. She went through lots of clay to make a set of trees that didn't break. Such a sweet gesture. I love my GROW STRONG tokens. She gave them to me on Sunday, February 17th, and that night as I continued my reading of the Book of Mormon I hit this non-coincidental verse in the 33rd chapter of Alma:

I desire that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith. And behold, it will become a tree, springing up in you unto everlasting life. And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son. And even all this can ye do if ye will.

I can vouch that this verse is completely accurate. One month later, my heart is bursting with faith and my burdens are lighter because I read the inspired words of the holy scriptures. I love the Bible and the Book of Mormon. They contain all the truths and guidance my life's unique scenarios will ever require. I have never read the scriptures with the intent of finding out what to do after a failed in vitro...until now. Verses unnoticed in the past offered present therapy. Time after time, word after word.

I know that the truths I NEED, not the answers I WANT, will always be found in those books. Their tokens of strength and peace and courage are there for anyone that desires them. And from where I currently stand, strength is more valuable than specifics.

*Photo of Melissa Crosby's gilded tree tokens.