Ingot

FORGIVENESS, PART I of III

A stalk of raw lemongrass is virtually indigestible. Tough outer layers make for a strong stick that doesn't yield to mortal chewing. By all means, throw it in a pot of tom ka gai to boost the coconut broth. Just don’t try to eat it. Tricky, that lemongrass.

I’ve been chewing on a stalk of emotional lemongrass for many month's worth of moons all the while knowing my chewing isn’t doing anything productive. In fact, my TMJ is worse than ever and my stomach is grumbling for actual sustenance. My heart is sick of this flavor. It insists I spit it out and move on to something delicious, like a box of Little Debbies. I want to. I want to but my brain argues, "This stalk is flat and molar-battered. It's bound to dissolve any day if you just work on it a bit longer."

In February of 2013, only two months after our failed IVF, I was given counsel by the Lord through my bishop. He told me to SEE with my heart, HEAR with my heart, and ACT with my heart.

I remembered that counsel in October of 2016 when President Uchtdorf said, “There are more ways to see than with our eyes, more ways to feel than with our hands, more ways to hear than with our ears.” I believe those ways are with the heart and the Holy Ghost; they are the consummate power couple, the undeniable one-two punch. I heard his words as I was sucking on my everlasting gobstopper of lemongrass. I had two non-eye, non-hand, non-ear witnesses nudge me to forgive and move on, to proverbially spit out the lemongrass and find something nutritional.

Being led by a soft heart is to bounce over life’s bumps on a cushion of compassion. Thorns don’t prick as painfully. Ugly shrieks are muffled. A soft heart relaxes Severity (who is always wound too tight) while its squishy submission counterintuitively conquers all. How dangerous and debilitating it is to be led by a hard heart.

Truth be told, I default to my heart often. When my brain can’t solve a situation’s complexity my heart is the candid calculator. I’ve also hidden behind my heart when my brain is required to speak a language it doesn’t want to be fluent in. In short, I hate debate, confrontation, analysis, something where there is a “winner”, and anything with a graded test result.

My heart is a mighty monarch that wears my body’s crown. By following my magistrate I’ve boosted many (and creeped out a few). I take great comfort in the Lord’s promises that he looks on the heart and knows its intents*. Maybe no one else gets me, but the Lord does.

I want my heart to beat in sync with His*. I want it to drum truth yet echo love. There have been times I’ve let God down, when my whole earth was in commotion and my heart failed me*. Heart attacks. Sad hurt smoldered in my chest, the telltale throb tortured my left arm. I was revived by repentance and given the chance to beat another day. My celestial core is constantly scheming against my natural man to avoid arrhythmia:

Ba-dum 

Ba-dum 

Be-soft 

Not-hard 

Let-go 

Sub-mit 

Once-more 

Try-again 

You’re-mine 

You’re-mine

I’m His. I was made for softness. God requires softness*.

I have come to see a famous scripture in a new light:

And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. -Matthew 25:40

THE LEAST may not be the poorest, neediest, most down-on-their-luck specimen you intersect in your charitable comings and goings. THE LEAST might be the person you like the least. The person your heart is hard towards. The person at the bottom of your “People I Like” totem pole. I don’t think the Lord cares how much your bosom bequeaths to beauties if it can’t benefact a beast, especially that beast you can’t stand in the least (Grinch!). Perhaps that is the sacrifice He requires for cardiac compliance.

It’s easy to love your followers.

It’s easy to preen while others pet you with praise.

It’s easy to be civil to someone who does nothing to you.

It’s monumentally difficult to love someone who judges you, pushes all your buttons, or takes your trust and twists it into slander and gossip. What if that someone stares blankly while you sputter words of love and then tells you your message was lost in translation? What then?

Tenderizing my tough tissue is a Titanic test but only pliability passes. God requires all of my heart*. I cross my fingers that God’s Bank still exchanges devalued dross for refined gold. Wincing, I pluck out my dross and lay it on the altar. I stand at the point of sacrifice a moment longer, nearly paralyzed at this crossroads of pain and progress. Do it. Do it! Spit out your stinking lemongrass! Rid yourself of this plague!

And here I have stood for so many months. I know what comes next. I play it out in my sick head almost nonstop. I'll vomit that grotesque, limp stalk out of me and hurl it toward the altar. The worst will be over; choosing betterment will hurt less than the hurt I've been hanging on to. There will be no more chewing.

Then, while I'm rubbing my tired jaw, there will be a loud explosion. The smoke around the altar will clear to reveal the loaded scales of justice and mercy. What is my fate precariously balancing before my eyes? Mercy. Mercy tipping heavily to one side. There, where emotional dregs and pride's pulpy residue used to lie, will rest a shiny ingot. Mercy's metallic mass will be a gold mine that is all mine. I will receive forgiveness because I truly gave it, especially that last, loathsome lemongrass. Mighty change is mighty hard*, but if I can choose a change of heart it will automatically change everything else.

Photo of a real postage stamp puzzle I bought at Swiss Days in Midway, Utah. You have to assemble the pieces with tweezers. So tiny! www.puzzledpostage.com

All the asterisks:

Doctrine & Covenants 6:16 Yea, I tell thee, that thou mayest know that there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart.

Psalm 139:23 search me, o God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts

Ezra 7:10 for (Melissa) prepared (her) heart to seek the law of the Lord, and to do it

Doctrine & Covenants 45:26 and the whole earth shall be in commotion, and men’s hearts shall fail them

Ezekiel 36:26 A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.

Doctrine & Covenants 64:22 for I, the Lord, require the hearts of the children of men

"Mighty change is mighty hard." -Neal A. Maxwell